Someone who becomes angry when another person tries to control them can become controlling when they’re the one with more power. Someone who prides themselves on being independent can become surprisingly dependent in a relationship. Someone who usually fights back can become quiet and compliant around a particular person.
These can look like contradictions. They may not be.
The same underlying pattern doesn’t always produce the same behavior. What comes forward depends partly on the situation the person is in.
Someone feels powerless and becomes angry. In another situation, the same person feels powerless and goes quiet. They don’t necessarily decide that anger will work in one situation and withdrawal will work better in another. They may already be getting angry or going quiet before they have thought about either possibility.
Who is in front of them matters. So does how much power that person seems to have, what has happened with people like them before, and what they expect will happen now. Around one person, powerlessness may come out as anger before they have decided to be angry. Around another, they may find themselves going quiet before they have decided not to speak.
The same thing can happen with control and passivity. When someone feels able to influence what happens, they may find themselves taking control. When they feel unable to influence it, they may find themselves giving way. They don’t have to consciously assess their position for their response to change.
Independence and dependence can shift in the same way. Someone may move through most of life relying almost entirely on themselves, then become intensely dependent in a relationship. They didn’t necessarily choose to stop being independent. That relationship brings forward a different response.
If you look only at the behavior, the person seems inconsistent: independent but dependent, controlling but passive, confrontational but submissive. But the behavior isn’t the pattern. It’s one expression of the pattern under particular conditions.
Change the conditions, and a different response can appear. Sometimes even the opposite one.