You can be confident with one person and unsure of yourself with another. You can speak freely at work and struggle to say what you want in a relationship. You can ignore criticism from one person and think about the same comment for days when it comes from someone else.
The difference isn’t necessarily what was said.
It’s who said it.
We don’t respond to people as though everyone means the same thing to us. Some people matter more. Some have power over something we need. Some remind us of people we’ve known before. Some seem easy to disappoint, difficult to challenge, unpredictable, judgmental, dependent, intimidating, or safe.
All of that changes the situation.
A question from a friend may feel like a question. The same question from your boss may feel like an evaluation. A disagreement with a stranger may barely matter. A disagreement with someone whose approval matters to you can feel much harder to tolerate.
This is why different people can bring out responses that seem contradictory. You may become quiet around someone you perceive as powerful and controlling around someone you perceive as uncertain. You may become unusually helpful around someone you want to impress. You may become defiant the moment someone starts telling you what to do.
The person in front of you changes what is at stake. What is at stake changes what you notice, what you expect, and what responses become available.
That’s why asking, Why am I like this? can sometimes miss something important.
You aren’t always like this.
You’re like this here.