A friend asks where you want to eat.
You tell her. She suggests somewhere else. You say you don’t really feel like going there, and the two of you keep talking until you find somewhere you both want to go. You don’t think much about it.
The next day, your mother asks the same question.
“Anywhere is fine.”
She suggests a restaurant you don’t particularly like. You say it sounds good. You know you have a preference, and you know you’re allowed to say it. Yesterday you did exactly that.
With your friend, disagreeing doesn’t change much. She doesn’t become offended. She doesn’t tell you why your preference is wrong. She doesn’t make you regret having said anything. Over time, you have stopped preparing for those things.
With your mother, you know the sequence. You say you don’t want to go somewhere. She asks why. Your reason isn’t good enough. She tells you that you’re always difficult about restaurants. Now you’re defending a preference that didn’t need defending in the first place.
“Anywhere is fine” avoids all of that.
From the outside, this can look inconsistent. You can speak up, except when you can’t. You have changed, except around certain people.
But you aren’t responding only to the question about where to eat. You’re responding to what usually happens after you answer it. That is why an old pattern can become much quieter in one relationship and remain strong in another.
The change isn’t happening somewhere inside you and then being carried unchanged from person to person. It is also happening between you and the people you are with.