You think someone is criticizing you, so you become defensive. They weren’t especially critical at first, but now they feel accused of attacking you. They become sharper.
Now they really do sound critical.
You expect someone to pull away, so you start asking whether something is wrong. They say no, but you keep asking. Eventually they become irritated and want some space.
Now they’re pulling away.
This is one of the ways a pattern can become difficult to see. We experience ourselves as responding to what another person is doing. But our response becomes part of what they are responding to.
If you expect hostility, you may sound hostile. If you expect someone not to listen, you may speak more forcefully. If you expect rejection, you may become cold or demanding. The other person then responds to the behavior in front of them.
Their response gives you new evidence.
See? I knew they were angry.
I knew they wouldn’t listen.
I knew they’d pull away.
The original expectation may have been wrong, partly right, or completely right. But once you respond to it, the situation changes. What happens next is no longer independent of what you brought into the interaction.
This becomes even harder to see when both people are doing it.
One person expects criticism and becomes defensive. The other experiences the defensiveness as hostility and becomes more critical. One expects abandonment and pursues. The other feels pressured and withdraws. Each person experiences the other person’s response as proof that their own reaction was necessary.
Both can sincerely believe they are only responding to the other person.
They aren’t.
They’re also responding to what their responses are creating between them.